got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
