dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
