Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
