My first STD was from a foam party
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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