I bet he comes in French.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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