I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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