Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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