Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
