I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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