Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize
