I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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