i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Mom said you looked used
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
