In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
