Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
