I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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