i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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