im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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