Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
