I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
