He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
