Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My life is pants optional.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
