I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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