I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
