alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
