I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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