I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
