I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
