So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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