can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
