I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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