he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
