A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
