K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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