Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
