I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
