Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
