OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
