I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
