she was so not down for the gang bang
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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