at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
