I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
