ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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