he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
