His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
even my farts smell like vagina
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
