Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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