32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
