Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
