I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
