I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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