FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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