The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
